Below are the 20 most recent journal entries recorded in chaos_balance's LiveJournal:

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Tuesday, November 17th, 2009
1:45 pm	In the beginning In the beginning, I wanted him to be there. I wanted him to want to be there. I wanted to think that he'd want to be with me, Even if I wasn't at my best. The want to be wanted. Now? I'm so happy I learned, early on, that I could take care of myself. I know I can make it All on my own. Thanks to you, my fair weather friend. You let me know how little you cared. You helped me learn that I don't need you. (Comment on this)
Wednesday, September 30th, 2009
8:13 pm	Life is quieting down Tomatoes are coming up. Potatoes are all harvested. Looking forward to Halloween the way most children look forward to Christmas. Turning in an application this week for a job nearby the apartment. I'm doubting that I'll get it, but it's the only one I really want. Trying to get things together for the homeschooling plans. Being whined at now by Kenny about how hard everything is when he has to spend 3-7 hours a day in the presence of his offspring. Luck to all. (Comment on this)
Friday, June 12th, 2009
2:51 pm	Time to post? No way! My beloved squishy-head has turned two. We have spent a marvelous day doing some of her favorite things, and eating some of her favorite foods. Trying to decide how to decline, politely, the maternal demand to take her to casa Vicki so that she can be propped up like a rag doll for photos and general showing off by Vicki of the child she keeps thinking is hers/me. Having to hear another round of "this never bothered you, so she'll be fine with it" or "you loved X when you were her age, so she'll love it, too" would end the week badly. I know she's her own person, with her own likes and dislikes. Isn't it supposed to be the parents who try to use their kids for a redo, rather than the grandparents? We've settled into life in the new apartment. Squishy's bookshelf is now a three-tiered one. I have a ridiculous amount of rice (28 pounds, I think) after finding 10 pound bags for $5 each. We finally have access to foods we like, rather than having to buy what Vicki wouldn't "borrow" for herself. I work a very part-time job, and the spouse has picked up a second one for the summer. There are times when it seems like we just wave at each other in passing, but the bills are getting paid, and money is being put away towards dreams of sending squishy away to college. I could kill for chocolate ice cream right now. (Comment on this)
Wednesday, December 3rd, 2008
12:33 pm	Week three of new apartment Still haven't moved. Ferrying boxes and bags almost every day. Trying to find everything I need to install the last 3-4 curtain rods. Kenny? Not really involved. He works, eats, and sleeps. He doesn't go out with us for walks, to feed the ducks, to the aquarium, to story time, to grocery shopping, or to anything, actually. He works, he eats, and he sleeps. He reads his web comics, his LJ friends' posts, and he watches vids. He doesn't do research on his insurance options (my newly appointed job), or cook, or clean, or even try to avoid infesting the bed with the dust mite horde that he conveniently ignores until he wakes up bleeding from scratching himself raw. Yesterday, I did a good four loads of laundry. It's all inapplicable now, because he decided to "wait until he had more energy" before getting it. Tiny is going through either another growth spurt or popping in new teeth, so I'm up until crazy o'clock in the pre-dawn light feeding her. Anyone who's ever operated on a shared waher-dryer set up knows what happens. He's lived in an apartment building, so he can't claim ignorance. What isn't missing spent the night packed in a filthy corner of the floor. So? I'm going out. Instead of his usual "wifey takes care of everything while I live like I still need a mommy" afternoon of eating and sleeping, I'm going out. He'll be informed that he's to have the sheets and all four bags of laundry washed, dried, and folded by sunset. If he's just toooo tired to be bothered taking on any chores today (like the day before and the day before), he can sleep in his infested sheeting, under his wet comforter, and wear the same socks tomorrow that he did today. I can buy a roll of quarters and tap my savings enough to cover a set of sheets and two pillows. I'll go sleep in my apartment, and he can live with the nearest "mommy" on hand. Hell, that might be the best option. He lives with his MIL, she does his cleaning, he lifts and helps out with things creaky bones just can't, and eats her cooking every night. Tiny and I have all ready lived on our own while he was off for months at a time anyway. This time, we just won't be sharing a bathroom with 5 other people. Works for me. (Comment on this)
Saturday, October 4th, 2008
6:57 pm	I swear I am alive Spent the last month sporadically packing for a move that fell through at the last minute. Found occasional local work that I am totally comfortable doing. Tiny is almost 16 months old. Found a Dora fold-out children's couch that my daughter adores. Went to a PYO orchard. Trying to decide what to do with all these Box Top for Education labels. I need a comfortable Fall shirt and more socks. I am horribly sick with a URI that landed me in the hospital. Kenny and I are working on the broken bits of our relationship. I think the new boss is wonderful. (Comment on this)
Friday, July 18th, 2008
11:55 am	Tiny pwns all My little one has finally figured out how to get the gushy-brained attention that she knows she deserves. She's begun wrinkling her nose while smiling and giggling and strangers. I am in awe of the instantaneous power this grants her over everyone in her vicinity. (Comment on this)
Wednesday, June 25th, 2008
5:26 pm	How am I supposed to do this? I really don't know anymore. Tiny's going through a biting phase again. As does happen when one bites things one should not, she chipped a tooth. Supermom (played by me) sets up a next day dental appointment. Appointments in both morning and afternoon Do not make for a happy mommy or baby, but we manage. Since all this running requires me to have access to my car for the day, I tell hubby to let me know when he needs to be picked up after work, *if* he needs picked up at all. We've played this game a bit too often lately. I need my car for errands, and he either cancels or waffles on when for a few hours. Since most of those who read this have children, you are all aware of exactly how unreasonable it is to keep changing the time. Babies do not care about your schedule. They need naps, clean diapers, and food when they are tired, wet/soiled, or hungry. Expecting me to keep her constantly well-rested, clean, and full is insane, and yet it seems to be a common expectation. The fact that no one who expects this would want to be starved, left without bathroom facilities, or denied rest for the time they'd willingly jerk tiny and I around just makes it more annoying. So.... I ask only an hour's notice for a thirty minute drive. With it taking ten minutes to get her out of the room and into her car seat, and another ten to get us both changed into not-house-clothes, this is a generous offer on my part. So... he calls while we're at the dentist. He needs picked up in twenty-five minutes. I get us through as quickly as possible, cancel the second part (where we have her teeth cleaned), and pack us into the car to rush to his office. Upon arrival, the phone starts ringing. He wants to meet me in the parking garage. Black car, no working AC, having to use the highway (therefore no using windows) to make it in the tiny time he's provided... the inside of the car is over 100 F by the time we pulled in. I repeat that we'll meet him at his office. Halfway there, and he's smiling in front of the bookstore. Great. No cold air for wife and baby. Perish the thought of any comfort for anyone but him. Then he asks if I want to take a walk around the area. I'm hoping this means a little family time, and I said yes. He tells me he'll be back in three hours. What? Turns out he didn't need picked up. He just wanted my car for the afternoon. He made me cancel a dentist appointment and drag a less-than-happy baby out so he could take my car and dump me somewhere for the day. I turned around and left. I'm really not sure I want to see him again, husband or not. I'm tired of the disrespect, the happy taking/using of what little I have of value, and the willingness to assume that I have nothing to do in the day but jump when he says boo. Screaming, dentist-recovering baby. Bye. (Comment on this)
Friday, May 23rd, 2008
2:34 pm	Quick post I bought tiny a stuffed bunny yesterday with most of the last of my monthly indulgence cash. She's taken to trying to feed her various animal toys Cheerios, so it seemed a good time to get her something small, cute, and personal. A non-educational toy, in other words. Life is slightly mad. The weather has improved enough to go out once or twice a week, so we go and play in the park or use the stroller to take walks by the lake. I'm hopeful on improvements for the year. Hope everyone is doing well. (Comment on this)
Friday, April 25th, 2008
8:15 pm	Still alive Snowing has stopped. Got helmets, baby seat, and a shiny new bike for my impending birthday. You're never too old to ride the bikes around the store, honestly. I've been taking half-days to walk tiny around downtown. We go to the aquarium, stroll along the lake, play in the park, and visit with the other babies. I meander through the mall when she sleeps. It takes time to recover from, but I'm finally getting the hours of walking I was used to before I became a host-creature for my tiny love. Hopefully, with enough time, I'll get back in fighting trim, so to speak. I have missed being able to wander for a day. (Comment on this)
Tuesday, April 15th, 2008
4:27 pm	Male birth control http://botlbrush.com/blog/?p=133 (Comment on this)
Wednesday, February 27th, 2008
4:52 pm	Quirky I don't exactly "suffer" from paranoia. It's more of a state that I dance around, carefully attempting to avoid the precipice, while taking its warnings into consideration when they don't sound like utter gibberish. The only problem with this is when I've gone without sleep and food for too many hours a day, too many days in a row. As I believe is true of most human beings, my judgment is impaired once I start running on fumes. This is why I have instated the mental "Ooookayyyyyy" button. When, after the baby has been sick for three straight weeks, and I've been waking up every few hours for feedings/changings/comfort/nose bulb/the opportunity to be bitten/beaten, I require a mental stopper for the wtf my brain comes up with. (Comment on this)
Friday, February 22nd, 2008
10:19 am	Good sleep, good dreams One among many: Ari and Leila on a merry-go-round. Ari's dressed in a soccer uniform (include giant socks), and the mum is in a brown-gold tunic shirt and matching brown pants. The happiness was almost tangible as you two spun round and round, both laughing and smiling. No clue as to significance, but the idea of you finding a time and a place to be happy is a nice thought to start the weekend. (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Wednesday, February 20th, 2008
10:32 am	(Comment on this)
Monday, February 18th, 2008
10:12 am	The late and great, the one and only, miss Janis Joplin Oh, come on, come on, come on, come on! Didn't I make you feel like you were the only man - yeah! Didn't I give you nearly everything that a woman possibly can ? Honey, you know I did! And each time I tell myself that I, well I think I've had enough, But I'm gonna show you, baby, that a woman can be tough. I want you to come on, come on, come on, come on and take it, Take it! Take another little piece of my heart now, baby! Oh, oh, break it! Break another little bit of my heart now, darling, yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, oh, have a! Have another little piece of my heart now, baby, You know you got it if it makes you feel good, Oh, yes indeed. You're out on the streets looking good, And baby deep down in your heart I guess you know that it ain't right, Never, never, never, never, never, never hear me when I cry at night, Babe, I cry all the time! And each time I tell myself that I, well I can't stand the pain, But when you hold me in your arms, I'll sing it once again. I'll say come on, come on, come on, come on and take it! Take it! Take another little piece of my heart now, baby. Oh, oh, break it! Break another little bit of my heart now, darling, yeah, Oh, oh, have a! Have another little piece of my heart now, baby, You know you got it, child, if it makes you feel good. I need you to come on, come on, come on, come on and take it, Take it! Take another little piece of my heart now, baby! oh, oh, break it! Break another little bit of my heart, now darling, yeah, c'mon now. oh, oh, have a Have another little piece of my heart now, baby. You know you got it - whoahhhhh!! Take it! Take it! Take another little piece of my heart now, baby, Oh, oh, break it! Break another little bit of my heart, now darling, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, Oh, oh, have a Have another little piece of my heart now, baby, hey, You know you got it, child, if it makes you feel good. (1 Comment |Comment on this)
10:05 am	Don't you love it when advice columnists are straight and to the point? http://www.uexpress.com/dearabby/ DEAR ABBY: There seems to be an awful lot of women exposing themselves on the Internet in graphic sexual fashion. My wife says that men degrade themselves by looking at them. My question to you is, what is more degrading? Looking at them, or women exposing themselves? -- WONDERING IN PUYALLUP, WASH. DEAR WONDERING: For a woman to post graphic sexual images for people she doesn't know to view strikes me as more degrading because it indicates that she thinks she has little else to offer. However, for a married man to view those images could also be considered degrading -- and threatening -- to his wife. Many women have written to me because their husbands spend more time looking at porn on the Internet than having a sex life in their own bedroom. In other words, the practice became an addiction. As an aside, who names a town something that could be pronounced "Pull y'all up"? (Comment on this)
Wednesday, February 13th, 2008
3:18 pm	Step away from the baby Teeth number three and four are coming in this week. Researching Section 8 right now. If I have to hear "WhencanIplaywiththebaby/ YouknowIcanwatchher/ Whydoyounevercomedownstairs/CanIcomein/Everybodysayssheissocute/ Iwannatakehernextdoorandshowheroff/ Iwannatakehertomyofficeandpassheraroundbecauseeverybodylovesher" one more fucking time.............. I am going to scream. I have no clue if I qualify for housing assistance, but Kenny wants to wait until next year before we even start looking at a place of our own. While this is fiscally cautious of him, I will eventually punch my mother or her asshat of a husband, and then we will live nowhere. I'm sick of being whined and bitched at by the woman who's main reason to want to play with Talia is to take pictures so she can show and tell her coworkers and fellow Kin-As-Folk people how much she contributes, and how she's the real one taking care of my daughter. She's NOT competent with a baby. She ignores everything I say about TV and choking hazards (who the hell thinks tic tacs and pen caps are children's toys?), and she insists on making a huge production out of being separated from her, even for feeding. Trying to physically fight me for possession of tiny when she *needs* to eat, waving her hands and getting the baby excited before suddenly just turning around and walking away..... this shit is starting to piss me off. I'm the one stuck calming a frightened, angry, confused baby down after she freaks her out. I'm the one getting bit and listening to her scream and scream and scream after grandma mcnutjob decides that that 2pm nap time doesn't apply if she want to keep her awake later (or if she just wants to play with her RIGHT NOW). It's not like a grandmother-granddaughter relationship. It's like a toddler-infant relationship, where she sees tiny as a fun toy until she's bored with her, and occasionally competition for the attention she wants (again) right now. I'm beginning to give serious thought to taking the little one with us for our anniversary. It isn't romantic, but at least it'd be quieter. (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Thursday, February 7th, 2008
5:14 pm	Today I type slooooooooowly. Why? Kenny left his beloved fan in the middle of the available flooring again. Tiny decided to go kamikaze and, in trying to catch her, I tripped over the pile of fan & clothing. Since my fingers were all ready outstretched to catch her, guess what I landed on? Oh yeah. Fingers are not meant to hold the entirety of my rapidly descending body weight. They are also never meant to bend in that direction. Happy Chinese New Year? (Comment on this)
Tuesday, February 5th, 2008
4:50 pm	There's this thing people have forgotten how to say: I'm sorry. I was wrong. Please forgive me. Don't know where it went, but it'd be damned useful these days. (Comment on this)
4:13 pm	For everyone who's had a shitty week... A touch of the ridiculous http://www.c00lstuff.com/1133/Do_s_and_don_ts_with_babies/ (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Sunday, February 3rd, 2008
5:34 pm	Happy Birthday, Leila! (1 Comment |Comment on this)